The Red Dress

 

It’s terrifying to go after a dream. It’s a scary thing to say to people ‘I want to do this with my life.’ 

Because what if you can’t? 

I started my creative career ten years ago with a blog called ‘MeOhMy’ – where I shared stories I wrote online and interviews with local artists. It felt risky and vulnerable putting myself out there, but the more I did it, the braver I got. 

Because I had a dream- I wanted to tell stories.

Since then, I’ve worked for some of the biggest brands on the planet, sold thousands of pieces of art and traveled all over the world shooting films and telling stories.

As my audience got bigger, so did my stories. They went from words on a screen to me directing 40 person crews with lighting trucks and Hollywood camera gear and so-so catering (cheeseburgers mainly).

One of the biggest risks I ever took in my life was making my first short film. I wanted to tell a story that would have a bigger impact on people. But to do that, required sharing a bigger part of my soul with the world. And what if the world didn’t like my soul? 

What if I wasn’t enough?

You remember putting on a cape or a sparkly pair of wings when you were a kid to feel braver?

I filled that first film up with things that made me feel like a rockstar. 

I put on a Red Dress to make me feel okay. Cool outfits and visuals to hide the beating heart of this vulnerable act. 

But then I couldn’t stop doing that. And people came to expect it from me.

 My entire life became about putting on some version of The Red Dress- an extravagant party, a flashy exhibition, a private screening. To ‘protect’ the vulnerability of whatever piece of my heart I was attempting to share, I wrapped my heart up in something that made me feel braver. Again and again and again.

People called me ‘The Wannabe Great Gatsby of Brisbane.’

It got to the point where I couldn’t put anything out there without something ‘cool’ alongside it. I felt like me and my stories weren’t enough it.

I became very depressed.

I was exhausted from trying too hard and feeling like I was still getting it wrong. I desperately wanted to rip it all off and have someone to look at me as I was and say ‘I see you, you’re okay.’

Around this time, I watched Phoebe Waller-Bridge’s eponymous Fleabag, which began as a one-woman show on the stage. And it felt like falling into bed after a long day- at last, here was a flawed and complicated heroine/young woman trying to be better. I tentatively wondered if I’d feel better trying to put a real-er version of me out there and seeing if that resonated with people instead. 

And so, after ten years online telling stories and making colourful short films on the internet, the weight of two writing degrees, an abandoned drama bursary behind me, and minimal stage time since college, I decided to step off the internet and onto a real stage, to tell a story that didn’t need a red dress and had a positive impact on people.

What followed was 3 years of heartbreak and hell. The death of friendships, romance, reputations, tens of thousands of dollar’s worth of debt, gut-wrenching humiliation and red-hot pain. In the pursuit of saying something real, every wall in my life has come crashing down. 

Taking off the Red Dress has been the most challenging, confronting and vulnerable thing I have ever done in my life. I’ve felt like giving up at many points over the last couple of years. Disappearing off social media for good and throwing art away.

But then I remember why I decided to take the Red Dress off.

What I’ve learned along the way is that the more honest you can be about your own story- the better your capacity to make people feel something.

When we have the courage to share something real about ourselves, it gives other people permission to do the same.

With the help of many wonderful collaborators, friends and an amazing director, Pacharo Mzembe, we have now staged Bloom Girl on a national mainstages 3 times, for just shy of 2000 people. Each evolution has been more vulnerable than the last.

And so now, I find myself wanting to go all the way and match the vulnerability on stage, with my vulnerability where it all started; online.

The tender beating heart that is my final.final.final.jpg version of bloom girl sits in a drawer by my desk. 

And she’s not hiding behind anything. I don’t want to either.

My dream was to tell stories.

But now it’s evolved - to tell stories that express universal truths about the human experience; to share valuable ideas that have a positive impact on someone else.

Moving forward, I’ll be sharing more of what I originally did when I first started. Short stories, essays, think pieces, interviews with other artists. You will see a lot more of my words on here and a bit more of my real life (fab! She has one!). I don’t believe in shredding the red dress entirely. I’m not saying we should all clip our fairy wings and toss our superhero capes in the bin. We need those sometimes (first dates, for example, or at an event your ex may make an appearance at). 

The things we put on in life to help us feel a bit braver represent self-expression and are an inherent part of who we are.

I’m just saying if you’re always in one, you’re not going to find out if your story is enough without it.